28 Wings

That's all I can eat.

The wings win

All I should eat however, I place around 24.

I mentioned last week that Wednesday July 29th was National Chicken Wing Day. I celebrated at my favorite place to eat wings.*

I have indicated before (May 25, 2012; July 6, 2012) that I would like to be a restaurant critic. Why should I let my total lack of qualifications stop me? It hasn't stopped me from blogging. What I should probably try is "Breastaurant Critic." (Actually I may be overqualified for that.)

But, back to my favorite place to eat wings, Hooters.

I have heard a lot of jokes about Hooters Girls. Even Hooters makes fun of Hooters Girls. But, let me state for the record that they are some of the hardest working waitresses in the business.

As you can probably guess, on National Chicken Wing Day, they were particularly busy. Hooters observed the occasion with an All You Can Eat Wingsday. That's how I know that 28 is all I can eat (and all I should is somewhat lower.) And I want to applaud the chain for conspicuously posting the All You Can Eat Rules (which were clearly and plainly written, but unfortunately don't appear to be on the Internet so I'll have to go by memory.) Eight wings to an order, one flavor per order, no sharing, no doggie bag. Usual AYCE stuff.

Back in the Good Old Days they only had 3 flavors: mild, medium, and hot. I always ordered mine hot. And naked. (That's without all the breading. My wife still gives me "that look" when I order.) The last time I remember eating wings there they had added buffalo, 3 mile island and 911. (I think those were added before 2001, so 911 is a reference to the emergency phone number, not the World Trade Center.)

There are more than 6 flavors now. The ones listed on the "Full Menu" at hooters.com don't match the menu I had on National Chicken Wing Day, so once again I'm going from memory. The "hotness" is indicated by little flames by the names. Hottest on the menu is "Spicy Garlic." Five flames.

When my waitress, Shelbie, came to take my order I asked "What is the hottest?" She of course replied "Spicy Garlic." I might as well start there, I reasoned. I'm only having one beer and I'll probably need it for those.

I did.

It was a "different kind of hot." It really didn't burn my tongue or mouth at all. The taste was rather pleasant, from what I could tell, THROUGH MY BURNING LIPS!!! I was glad I ordered a large beer.

Shelbie stopped by to see how I was doing around the time I was finishing..., I'm gonna guess wing number six. I replied "I have told you my first lie." "Another beer?" she asked. "A small one." "What flavor next?" (Unlike most AYCE, she didn't make me finish the first order before placing the second.) I looked at the menu and chose "Habanero Barbecue." Three flames. Those were nothin'. I'm sure they were good, but I didn't notice because my lips were still on fire. The second beer helped.

I finished my sixteenth wing and second beer, and ordered an unsweetened tea and 8 lemon pepper rub wings. Palette cleanser. They were good. At 24 wings, my $15 all you can eat was now officially a "good deal," compared with 20 wings for $19.99 on the regular menu. Quit while you're ahead, right?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

As I was stuffing the last of the Lemon Pepper Rubbed Wings down my gullet, Shelbie came by. "One more order?" She asked. I nodded. I'm not sure I could speak. No, of course I could, because I managed to order "Chipotle Honey."

Shelbie pretends to deliver my final order of wings.

I may have mentioned this was a busy day at Hooters. My last order was delivered by a manager. At least it was an attractive one (and not one of the guys.) I felt like I was lucky to have the first three orders delivered by my waitress, and she did stop by to check on me. I asked her to pose with my order for the above picture (and she happily obliged as you can see.) If you bother to count the wings you'll see there are only 7. I was already one wing in when she came by, so I disposed of the bones and used the rest as a clever subterfuge to take her picture.

Then I managed to eat 3 more before conceding defeat. And that's how I celebrated National Chicken Wing Day. Now you kids get off my lawn.

*It's my favorite place to eat wings, not my favorite wings. Their wings are good, better than most, but not my favorite. Full disclosure, I haven't tried the wings at Twin Peaks yet.